Driving lessons update

Jul. 27th, 2025 01:32 pm
cimorene: A psychedelic-looking composition featuring four young women's heads in pink helmets on a background of space with two visible moons (disco)
[personal profile] cimorene
Last time I updated about my learning to drive stick/standard shift I posted this, you may remember:

Total cost:

Application fee: 25€
Driving lessons: 875€
ADHD tax: 152€


Incorrect. That was my total cost thus far, but I forgot the fees for the theory test and the driving test! I have now reserved a time for the theory test on August 14.

Theory test fee: 40€
Driving test fee (not booked yet): 99€

Total: 1191€


I'll have to take the bus to Turku to take it at the nearest Ajovarma office. Read more... ) I have been studying the badly-translated textbook that came with my driving class (and also the good Swedish translation and occasionally the Finnish original, for clarity) and going through the test practice questions. I passed the first full practice test I took yesterday, but at about 70%, so I'm trying to make it so I know the answers to all the questions.

Friday I had a second lesson with the driving simulator, and it was much better than the first one. It was fun actually! But I completely failed to manage to start the car on a hill again (I failed to do this in my first simulator lesson like 8 times in a row and the teacher, after coaching me through the steps and explaining it, just gave up and reset the lesson lol) and had to reset it. Now I've read in the textbook I realize it's because the hill in the simulator was too steep for the instructions he gave me the first time (on a gentle slope you only need the brake, but on a steep hill you need the parking brake as well - terrifying).

BONUS OFF-TOPIC FUN FACTS: READING AND BANNING

  1. After we watched the season finale of the Murderbot show, and I discussed it extensively with both my sister (who is extremely ALL CHANGE IS BAD CHANGE) and [personal profile] waxjism (who is not, but was annoyed because the show felt too YA for her, although she didn't HATE it), I reread the books. I had reread All Systems Red before the show; last week I reread it again, then all the others, and then I read the newest short story, Rapport: Friendship, Solidarity, Communion, Empathy (about ART and its crew). And after that for days I just wanted MORE and didn't want to read anything else, but the next novel isn't out yet; I reread Artificial Condition again and started Network Effect again, and skimmed through the tags on AO3 and Tumblr to see what people are saying... but it wasn't really satisfying. When I'm interested in a ship that is non-sexual in nature, I rarely find what I want from fandom, and that's what happened again (though there is some gen friendship fic and some queerplatonic fic on AO3). I can't begrudge people their desire to sexualize nonsexual relationships, because I've definitely thought that was fun before. I wrote Finding Nemo slash (and I stand by that). But when you don't want to read that, and I don't, your odds are simply worse, because there's less of it.

    Unlike my sister, I didn't hate the show, but I was even more annoyed by what Wax called "YA" writing choices than she was. I'm not sure if she can stand to watch it with me when the next season comes out, because I find it very hard to shut up when I'm annoyed at tv. I am happy with the casting and have no problem with the acting - all the things that I disliked are what I consider objectively bad adaptation and writing choices. But it was still fun and watchable when considered as its own work in isolation from the books! Just weirdly and unnecessarily YA in tone.


  2. For fans of banning/blocking, the action, you'll be pleased that I banned someone from my design blog [tumblr.com profile] designobjectory last week! I like all ages and periods of decorative arts, but my blog contains a lot of my special interests - midcentury modern, Bauhaus, Art Deco and Art Nouveau, and Swedish and Finnish design (mostly 20th c). Somebody reblogged one of my MANY posts of Finnish midcentury light fixtures by Finnish lighting titan Lisa Johansson Pape (one of the many times I've posted a variant of her 44 cm. diameter metal pendant lamp shade, which is still in production by Innolux)... anyway, somebody reblogged it with a comment sort of like "This is the ONE Scandinavian modern thing I like lol. I hate light birch furniture!" My blog is extremely heavy on light wood because of my strong interest in Swedish and Finnish 20th century design! So I blocked them. First I asked Wax if that was too unreasonable and she laughed a lot and said that it's never unreasonable to block people on your own blog. Maybe a little weird though. I mean, probably. But it's so thrilling and satisfying to block someone.


  3. Ever since DW made it so you can type @ + username to create the little username embed ([personal profile] waxjism), I have completely switched to it and whenever I want to use the version that links to another site I forget what the code is and end up having to google it. I mean, to search the DW faqs. This is the third time it's happened. That's because it's user name, with a space between. I always forget that.

Three Misc Media Thoughts

Jul. 27th, 2025 11:06 am
rodo: cropped mucha picture (mucha)
[personal profile] rodo
► I absolutely loved the first season of the Murderbot TV series! If you haven’t watched it yet, I can only recommend it, because all the characters are varying levels of adorable, but especially Murderbot itself is just wonderful and Alexander Skarsgård does a great job. Also, it’s very relatable. I too would rather spend my time watching trashy TV shows instead of being a Productive Member of Society™. I’ll stay out of the fandom, though. That way lies madness.

► I’ve also played Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, and honestly, worst game of the series I’ve played so far. It’s just so long, and such a slog. After sixty hours I was still stuck in the middle somewhere, doing repetitive tasks. Plus, the ahistoricity really weighed on me, even though I have no idea about the time period – if even I can tell, how bad is it really? Also, I hate Sigurd. Like, why is he the boss to begin with, with everybody seemingly being all into it? All he does is swan around sprouting great ideas while everyone else does all the work. I’ve met too many people like that in real life to find it charming – and it wouldn’t even have been that bad if only they’d made him actually do significant stuff off-screen. But no, this is a video game, and the PC has to do everything… also, one of the most annoyingly buggy games I’ve ever played. Twice, I accidentally skipped over half a quest… and that was just the worst of a very buggy experience.

► I binged The Assassin recently, an Amazon Prime mini-series with 6 episodes, and I loved it! For those who might be interested, here’s what it’s about: Middle-aged retired assassin Julie (Keeley Hawes) is not enjoying her retirement on a quiet Greek island when her estranged son Edward (Freddie Highmore) visits with news about his impending marriage and questions about his father. Then, someone tries to draw her back into the job – only for things to take a catastrophic turn almost immediately. Along for the ride are rich siblings Kayla and Ezra and innocent bystander Luka, as well as an assortment of Julie’s former associates and a mysterious MILF who’s really into anime.

Daily Happiness

Jul. 26th, 2025 11:47 pm
torachan: (Default)
[personal profile] torachan
1. Today was a very long, but very good day. The grand opening was a huge success. Extremely busy, high sales, everything went smoothly.

2. Then in the evening I went straight from Irvine to Dodgers Stadium to see My Chemical Romance. Next year is the 20th anniversary of the Black Parade, so the tour, which started this month (I think this is only like the third date), is doing the entire album plus a second set. So it was long, but awesome.

3. Tomorrow I have to help out with the second day of grand opening, too, so I'm just finishing up this post, having something quick to eat, then getting to sleep as soon as possible as I have to get down there by eight to help set up, but while I'm not looking forward to that part of it, or the fact that I didn't get any weekend off (and can't take tomorrow off as planned because I have a meeting in the afternoon), it is a huge relief that this store seems like it will be successful.

4. Chloe!

A few Murderbot things

Jul. 26th, 2025 01:48 pm
sholio: murderbot group from episode 10 (Murderbot-famiily1)
[personal profile] sholio
I really enjoyed this David Dastmalchian interview and also this adorable associated piece of fanart from the part of the interview in which he basically starts channeling Gurathin.

And some of my stuff on Tumblr:

Something I noticed rewatching the first episode

Random thought on bookverse!Gurathin

Oh, and I posted another fic a few days ago, Old Familiar Sting, which is pretty much all about characters working through the aftermath of Corporation Rim medical trauma.

Generational Trends

Jul. 26th, 2025 07:48 pm
cimorene: The words "It don't mean a thing" hand-drawn in black on white (jazz)
[personal profile] cimorene
A couple of months ago, I don't know when exactly, I saw a link on Tumblr to an article about a "new summer trend" of not wearing mascara that the youths were (allegedly) referring to as "ghost eyelashes" (let's take the rant about the majority of people not wearing mascara as a given). Even though I find this kind of reporting (on beauty trends) mostly annoying, I frequently also find it... amusing, in an annoyed way, so I clicked to read it on the strength of my giggling bemusement at the headline.

The angle this beauty journalist chose to take was a Generational Divide one, pointing out how the trend was very young and positing that people older than their mid-20s would be uncomfortable with the shocking exposure of their natural eyelashes in full sun, and the article was peppered with links to other articles in the same website about generational trends that were so outrageous that I did what she wanted and clicked on them:

  • This publication has alleged in the past that wearing tapered or straight-leg jeans is an embarrassingly Millennial trait (no mention given of older generations: possibly the youth in question have forgotten that there are plenty of members of Gen X just among their own generation's parents, and obviously nobody older than their own parents is relevant, lol).

    I went on an emotional journey of laughing, boggling, and remembering how in the mid-90s when the 70s-bellbottom revival was in full swing it became nearly IMPOSSIBLE to buy tapered jeans or even straight ones for a brief time, and how my friends and I used to refer to extant surviving tapered jeans as "boa-constrictor-ankled". Of course since everyone my age was growing extremely rapidly throughout the period from 1995-2001, it was impossible for any of us to own old pairs of jeans that still fitted that we loved; in high school, you're lucky if you fit jeans for more than a calendar year at a time. Everyone who had jeans that were ten years old or older was an adult, and their clothes were a minority of the clothes we saw closely enough to pay attention to, which made them stand out, I guess. I remember being actively amused by tapered jeans in the late 90s. And I clearly remember the few years before 2010, in my 20s, owning lots of pairs of bootcut jeans that were in some cases 10 years old and still fit me, and finding it necessary to get out the sewing machine to make several of them into skinny jeans (but the earliest ones, say, pre-2000, were unsalvageable then, because I couldn't consider wearing mid-high-waisted jeans ca. 2007, when waistbands were super-low). So the end of this emotional journey was laughing again.


  • Another article in this publication alleged that the crying laughing emoji is also an embarrassing Millennial trait. Apparently nobody who isn't a Millennial would use this emoji. The article didn't contain a lot of detail - I would've loved statistics about emoji use frequency, or a detailed look back at the pre-emoji days of emoticons. I was a heavy user of "XD" before the crying laughing emoji, which is supposed to be a cartoon of it (although IMO XD does not imply tears on its own; that's what X.D is for). But anyway, I have been remembering this stupid article every time I used that emoji for weeks now.
naraht: Moonrise over Earth (Default)
[personal profile] naraht
Picked this up because I kept seeing it being described as literary SF – with that classic complaint, "no plot, hated the protagonist," that often signals a novel that may interest me. It's the tale of a depressed, isolated telepath in New York City in the early 70s who's gradually losing his powers as he enters his forties.

A reviewer on Reddit dismissed the novel as a clumsy metaphor for impotence. Having read it, and read a little about Silverberg's career – he had been churning out multiple novels per year before temporarily deciding to retire from writing in 1975 – I'm now 95% convinced that it's in fact a slightly less clumsy metaphor for the retreat of literary inspiration. Which makes it somewhat more interesting. Isn't fiction really, in some ways, based on the ability to see into other people's minds?

Not a great novel, but it has its moments. Very much of its period and setting, in both the good ways and the bad ways.

Daily Happiness

Jul. 25th, 2025 09:33 pm
torachan: a cartoon kitten with a surprised/happy expression (chii)
[personal profile] torachan
1. Second day of soft open was a wild ride. People lined up before the store opened. We made double the sales of yesterday. All without any advertising about the soft open. The only advertising was about the grand open tomorrow.

2. Some of you may remember a couple years ago I was working on a project to transition to a new inventory system at work and really dialing back my area manager duties to focus on that. Then they put it on hold because they were redoing the whole thing from scratch. Now they are back at the point where the IT side needs feedback from store operations, and they need more time devoted to it than anyone can do while juggling other job duties, so I was told today that I will be fully working on that for the next year or so and only lightly helping out with area manager stuff (currently there is no one who can actually take my place). I will get a bigger raise than the small annual raise I just got, and I can work from home if there's nothing I need to go in to the office for. I will miss all that audiobook time from driving but will not miss all the actual driving.

3. Look at that perfect Molly curl!

Biggles prompt fest

Jul. 25th, 2025 02:42 pm
sholio: blue and yellow airplane flying (Biggles-Biplane)
[personal profile] sholio
I thought it might be fun to run a Biggles July prompting free-for-all over at [community profile] bigglesevents. Because we haven't had a prompt fest in a while! (Of course I'm posting this at a time when most of the Biggles fandom is asleep.)

Familect phrases

Jul. 25th, 2025 11:04 am
petra: Barbara Gordon smiling knowingly (Default)
[personal profile] petra
I love hearing about the phrases people have incorporated into their family dialect (familect) that require explanation.

Here are some examples from around my house:

A "fuzzy" is a polar fleece jacket. (source: unknown)

Cat food comes in two varieties: gooshy (wet) and crunchy (dry). (source: Two Lumps webcomic)

"Bloop bloop?" means "Would you care to engage in sexual intercourse with me?" (source: a Tumblr post from someone who heard elk mating calls, parsed them as 'bloop bloop,' and started using the noise with their partner for the purpose, which cracked us up)

"One day... when you least expect it..." means, "I am contemplating taking you to bed." We almost never say the "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" bit. (source: the second linked George Takei PSA)

The cat, as is the way of cats, has a zillion nicknames, including "Bunny," "[The] Fur," "Miss Fuzzbutt," and "Catface." T. S. Eliot violently underestimated the number of names my cats tend to accumulate, and none of the options are effin' ineffable. (reference: not how he officially spelled it but what we all heard)

sewing machine repair

Jul. 25th, 2025 10:49 pm
cimorene: abstract painting with bold swirls in black on lavender (punk)
[personal profile] cimorene
I was taught to sew as a kid in the 90s by my mom (an artist who can do every kind of art and craft practically, and also fix plumbing and electricity and do carpentry). My first clear sewing memory is making myself a gown (of leftover printed cotton curtain fabric) for an ice sorceress costume that I designed and made myself and wore to NASFiC/Dragoncon as a con costume when I was twelve I think - so 1995, maybe? I made myself shorts and a vest that I used to wear to school in the seventh grade (from a pattern), hemmed my cadette girl scout uniform skirt from knee to mid-thigh (and then did the same for two other members of the troop) at age 14, and at 16 made my sister, then 7, a copy of the allover-studded suede jacket worn by Christina Aguilera in the "What a Girl Wants" music video (also from a pattern, and not from real suede, but I did have to buy a literal Bedazzler). LOL that I did that, in retrospect.

Anyway, I learned to sew on my mom's old Singer, but since moving to Finland I have had the good fortune to enjoy the nearly-permanent loan of my MIL's sewing machine (ours since her death; but she didn't feel like sewing anymore before that), a Bernina 1004 made in Switzerland in 1989, fully mechanical, and basically free from problems (apart from those caused by user error). Until a few months ago.

I tried cleaning lint from around the bobbin case, and not only did that not help, but after it the machine stopped advancing unless you manually turn the wheel with great force. So of course I immediately panicked that I had broken it and became afraid to investigate further because I was afraid I'd find out it was all my fault.

But when I finally got around to watching a couple of videos (because I really wanted some new pajama pants and I can't buy any that meet my standards), I realized there's absolutely no way I caused this! But also it definitely is something with the main bit of the motor, and you have to take the thing completely apart to fix that. So it has to go to a repair shop that specializes in Berninas.

There's only one in Turku, and they closed for the month of July the day before I googled them. 😭 Also you have to book the service in advance and can't just drop machines off. The next nearest specialist is... nowhere near.

But I'm very motivated now, because it's been warm, and every day [personal profile] waxjism wears her percale gingham hobbit (cropped) summer pj pants and looks adorable while I'm suffering with one old pair that are falling apart and are a synthetic blend. And neither of us has pockets!!!

Daily Happiness

Jul. 24th, 2025 09:36 pm
torachan: a cartoon owl with the text "everyone is fond of owls" (everyone is fond of owls)
[personal profile] torachan
1. The first day of the new store's soft open was a huge success. We didn't advertise it at all, but the store was very busy all day (only open from 10-4) and we made over three times as much as the first soft open day of the store that opened in December, so hopefully that is a sign that this store will be a success.

2. Look at Tuxie in his little house! He doesn't sleep here at night and doesn't ever seem to use it during the day, but sometimes he likes to go in there in the early morning between waking up and leaving wherever it is he sleeps at night and coming up to the porch for breakfast.

Fanfiction author/Gamer OTP

Jul. 24th, 2025 05:51 pm
petra: Barbara Gordon smiling knowingly (Default)
[personal profile] petra
"Honey, why does the person you're playing a game with and watching a stream of look like that?"

"He's wearing a Mickey Mouse skin."

"I didn't know you could skin Mickey Mouse in your game."

"Yep."

"And you're the one with the socially acceptable hobby."
petra: Batman in silhouette with his hand on Spoiler's shoulder (Bruce & Steph - Keep the comm on)
[personal profile] petra


If Jeangu Macrooy gets two new fans today, one of them is me. If they get 1000 new fans today, I hope some are them are because [personal profile] buggery linked me to this video and I passed it on.

It's an earworm.

lemons and spicy lemons

Jul. 24th, 2025 05:48 pm
cimorene: Closeup of a colorful parrot preening itself (>:))
[personal profile] cimorene
I just realized that all my most favorite savory foods are based on lemon or lime. Also all the cocktails I've liked (though I don't try many because I'm not big on them). I also love every lime or lemon dessert I've had mostly, but they're not my favorites (my most favorite desserts are apple- or coffee-based). It's just weird that it took me so long to notice that.

Daily Happiness

Jul. 23rd, 2025 07:55 pm
torachan: my glitch character (glitch)
[personal profile] torachan
1. Last day of relative calm before the new store opening. Tomorrow and Friday is the soft open and then Saturday and Sunday are grand opening weekend with a ton of events planned. I'm going to have to help out at least some of the day all four days, but I'm planning to take Monday off to recover.

2. Jasper is such a handsome guy.

Beta wanted: Sinners

Jul. 23rd, 2025 09:25 pm
resonant: Ray Kowalski (Due South) (Default)
[personal profile] resonant
Anybody want to beta 400 words of light-as-air Sinners genfic?
runpunkrun: Dana Scully reading Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space' in the style of a poster you'd find in your school library, text: Read. (reading)
[personal profile] runpunkrun
A good old fashioned young adult novel about being stranded on an inhospitable planet and struggling to live off a steadily declining cache of resources. In one case, it's an alien world far in the future, and in the other, the dying Earth those colonists left, where the last inhabitants are about to extinguish themselves through nuclear war. Ah, children's lit.

This is actually a sequel to The Darkness Outside Us, but if you're a chaos demon you might be able to read this without having read the first. Partly because it stands on its own while gently reminding the reader what happened in the first book, but also because it fully retreads some of the same ground.

Because half of this book was telling me stuff I already, basically, knew, I was much more interested in the sections on the alien planet with its frontier survival vibes and foreign mysteries. I wanted to spend all my time there rather than on Earth, since I already knew that was a lost cause, and any new information we got in those sections could have easily been worked into the future segments and much of it, in fact, was. But it wasn't a chore to spend time with the original versions of Ambrose and Kodiak as they come to terms with the lies they've been told and try to undo some of the damage they caused, and together the two parts of this book tell a full story that comes to a satisfying conclusion, whether or not there's ever a third book in the series. But if there is, I'll be there.

Contains: queer dads; child harm and references to child death; wild animal harm/death; mental illness with intrusive thoughts; gun violence; nuclear apocalypse; climate disaster.

Daily Happiness

Jul. 22nd, 2025 09:21 pm
torachan: (Default)
[personal profile] torachan
1. Long day of driving going to San Diego today, but it was a much more pleasant visit than the last few times as things do seem to be improving in the store.

2. The guys came and fixed the back screen door today. I'm so used to dealing with the broken door that it's weird to have it working properly again, but I'm sure I'll get used to that again soon enough.

3. Ollie is such a chonker.

(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2025 11:13 pm
watersword: John Sheppard facing away from the viewer and partially lit. (Stock: illuminated)
[personal profile] watersword

The barre class at the gym today kicked my ass; genuinely kind of embarrassed that I had to put down the weights and sit down during the arm work bit because I got dizzy. Anemia, why you gotta be so intractable?

The nectarine I had this morning was the best nectarine I have ever eaten, and I have eaten a lot of nectarines. The community garden is having a flame war in email over everyone's garlic being stolen for the second year in a row and lines of battle are being drawn between people who think we should install cameras as a deterrent and people who think this is surveillance culture/security theater.

It's been a few weeks since I've been to campus and I have a day chockablock with meetings; I will have to remember to pack lunch and a snack and I'm annoyed I already wore the shirt I planned to wear. How did I do this five days a week in the Before Times???

kate_nepveu: sleeping cat carved in brown wood (Default)
[personal profile] kate_nepveu

Book Club: The Fortunate Fall by Cameron Reed
Newly reprinted under the author's current name, The Fortunate Fall by Cameron Reed is a post-cyberpunk novel about brain modification, being queer in an oppressive society, the media, species extinction, and the possibility of changing human nature. In 2010, Jo Walton called it "one of the most important books of the last 20 years." We'll discuss what made this novel groundbreaking in 1996, what makes it still fresh and relevant today, our favorite lines that aren't the beginning and ending, and the throwaway worldbuilding detail that most caught our attention.
Kate Nepveu (moderator), Marianna Martin PhD

Last panel report! ... with so much extra.

The audience said they were okay with spoilers, so we included general spoilers for premise and worldbuilding from the beginning of the discussion. I will have a separate clicky arrow for ending spoilers. (Very gratifyingly, when we got to that point of the panel, someone in the audience got up and left, saying something like, "I decided I want to read it myself after all!")`

I gave a little summary of the premise for the couple of people who hadn't read the book, which I will try to recreate/improve upon now.

summary of the premise, with quotes

The book is set in Russia about 300 years in the future. Previously: America ("the Guardians") conquered most of the world [1], committing genocide through lowest-bidder concentration camps and ruling for 50 years. They were defeated probably 75 years ago, mostly by an army of ordinary people who were mind-controlled by a computer virus that erased itself from their minds once it detected victory. (Africa, which is now a walled-off technological paradise, took Egypt back from the Guardians without the virus.)

Maya is a camera, which means she broadcasts news as her senses experience it—except with a screener to filter out not just distracting bodily urges, but also forbidden topics, lest she attract the Weavers (immensely scary censors who live in the internet to prevent another mind-control virus). Screeners instantly know their cameras' minds in full. Cameras have no such reciprocal knowledge. As the book opens, Maya is broadcasting a series about why the reign of the Guardians is barely remembered, unlike the Holocaust and the Terror-Famine [2]. And she has a brand-new screener, Keishi.

footnotes

[1] North America, Eurasia, Egypt, and Japan, as far as we can tell. Hat tip to the Wizards versus Lesbians podcast for pointing out that the rest of Asia doesn't seem to exist; after I heard them say that, I looked and didn't see anything about South America either.

[2] No other information is ever given about this, just the way none is given about the Holocaust.

But actually, the book does not open there. It opens with Maya writing to her audience:

The whale, the traitor; the note she left me and the run-in with the Post police; and how I felt about her and what she turned out to be—all this you know.

What a first line.

The prologue ends with another banger:

I will give you my thoughts since that time, but not on moistdisk. I will not let you explore the twining pathways of my thoughts as I explore them—not again. I will hide instead behind this wall of words, and I will conceal what I choose to conceal. I will tell you the story in order, as you’d tell a story to a stranger who knows nothing of it: for you are not my friend, and what you know is far less than you think you know. You will read my life in phosphors on a screen, or glowing letters scrolling up the inside of your eye. And when you reach the end, you will lie down again in your indifferent dark apartment, with the neon splashing watercolor blues across your face, and you will know a little less about me than you did before.

(In addition to the narration, it's useful to know that the book moves through different modes, and some people find the last half to be a jarring change, for expectation-setting purposes.)

panel notes, plus some more thoughts

With that background, we got into the discussion proper.

Marianna: ways in which book is about camera and editing reminded of Dziga Vertov, 1920s Russian cinema, had a manifesto about how in the future we would become cameras. Maya is a camera, constantly making decisions that are directing and editing her broadcasts: pan here, add background information there.

Marianna cont'd: anticipating current social media, when livecasting everything: are we actually seeing what they are? not only that, but the asymmetry in the screener-camera relationship predicted parasociality. as does Maya's relationship with her audience: she needs them, she's uneasy about their demands, they think they know her and they don't—they don't even know what she looks like, she uses a false userpic because she's older and scarred with old-fashioned sockets drilled into her head—and there's literal emotional feedback between them. (also, the camera is preemptive censorship like using euphemisms on TikTok.)

audience member: thought about "veil of Maya" in Hinduism, which is a false reality. me: oh, so that's what Keishi was referencing!

me: going back to Vertov, that reminded me of the book's terrible monomaniacal old man, Voskresenye, who had idea that true teleprescence, that is, what cameras broadcast, can save humanity: overcome the "sins of locality" that arise from being trapped in our own skulls and unable to achieve empathy.

Marianna: Vertov was propagandist documentary maker, believed that if people just saw what was really happening, would get on board with the Russian Revolution. not only that but "Cine-Eye" technique would help improve/evolve humanity.

Marianna cont'd: thinks there are three themes that underpin SF in general: memory, identity, trauma. they all come together in this book so powerfully. but doesn't argue for universality in sense of uniformity, Voskresenye is also very angry about enforced homogeneity and exclusions.

(later on, we talked about the book's pondering of whether love results from, or is stifled by, intense mental intimacy.)

Marianna cont'd: all that and we haven't even mentioned the dead psychic whale yet!

so this may have been where I talked about Moby-Dick, which I re-read specifically so I could talk about how it relates to this book! it's name-checked by the text, given to Maya as a memory:

The novel seeped into my mind, like milk into a sponge. A man tattooed with frogs and labyrinths; a leg of polished whalebone; duodecimo, octavo, folio whales; a coffin bobbing among the waves; and in the blue distance a white mass rising, unknotting its suckered limbs, and sinking: unearthly, formless, chance-like mockery of life.

But it's a lot more in conversation with it than that quote may indicate.

  • They both have a central queer relationship. For those who haven't read Moby-Dick but have heard vaguely of Queequeg (the tattooed man), you may not know that Ishmael meets him because there is literally only one bed at the inn. The next day, Queequeg says that they are "married," and they go up to bed and talk, "in our hearts' honeymoon, lay I and Queequeg—a cozy, loving pair." This is text.

  • They both have terrible monomaniacal old men, as previously noted.

  • They are both narrated after the fact by narrators with specific agendas. Ishmael is desperately trying to understand what happened and to make us understand what happened. Maya is also trying to understand what happened, revisiting Keishi's actions and her own decisions; and she says she's trying to reduce our understanding, but I'm not so sure about that. Also, so much foreshadowing.

  • There is a whale, who is intelligent and filled with hate of humans, but only because humans keep bothering him or her.

  • They both are surprisingly funny. (I liked when Maya needs to insert a really gross public plug into her head—this is the very embodied kind of cyberpunk—but doesn't have anything to clean it: "I settled for wiping the plug on my shirt, to replace some of the unknown dirt with dirt I was on intimate terms with.")

My notes get a little sketchy here. I see that Marianna said that the novel is still frighteningly relevant, and there were times during this reread where she had to put it down. I'd previously noted on Bluesky that the Wizards vs. Lesbians podcast thought that the homophobia in the book seemed exaggerated, even though the book was set in Russia, because we'd come so far in overcoming that ... which was not an unreasonable thing to say, all the way back in 2021. Ouch. And as for the McGulags, well.

I mentioned that asexuality doesn't seem to be a concept that the characters have (again, published in 1996), so at least one of them treats the ability to feel love and desire as the same thing; this is extremely relevant and in-character but the conflation was noticeable to me and would be a good thing to note in recommending the book to people. (Significant trans themes, though.)

Someone mentioned the Richard Matheson short story "The Box," about whether you really know the person you married (originally "Button, Button").

(Also, I just realized that this Tumblr short story might be a riff off that.)

I think at this point, all that's left of the panel discussion is talking about the ending.

SPOILERS FOR THE LAST 30% OF THE BOOK

Marianna noted that the conflict between Keishi and Maya is, in addition to a fundamentally different understanding of love, very much a 1990s argument about coming out and whether people have an obligation to do so

audience: political dynamic of the decision, Keishi claiming that they will represent hope

me: the way Maya presents things throughout the book seems to me to trying to justify her distrust of Keishi and her decision to leave her, which results in her death. I'm not sure she convinces herself, based on those haunting last two paragraphs:

And if I could, I would freeze that instant forever. But it’s no use. I can trap the young rose in the hologram, but the rose is long since dust. And what I most want to conceal from you, you’ve always known:

That I went up into the world and left her there, in the prison camp beneath the ocean, with the ruined mind of the new Iscariot and the body of the whale.

(Emphasis added.) I think Maya has shame, or regret, or doubt, or all of the above.

and I don't know that I would do the same in her shoes. all through the book, Maya is highlighting how Keishi is lying to her and manipulating her—this is even clearer, more painful, and more infuriating on a reread, but is explicit on a first read nonetheless. On the other hand, at the very end, Keishi says that she was forced into all the pre-whale manipulation by Voskresenye, who does not deny it. On the third hand, it was Keishi who took over Maya's mouth—which she did before and Maya specifically told her to never do again—and forced her to recover her memories before she was ready. Even if she didn't know that Voskresenye was going to broadcast them, that is a huge violation of trust, on top of agreeing to let Voskresenye broadcast the memories that Maya was in.

and now, writing this, I've talked myself back around into thinking I would have done the same: because I don't think that I could trust Keishi to leave my brain, ever. or to stay quietly tucked away like she promised, because she said over and over that she doesn't want that, that she wants their minds to lie next to each other, and she shows over and over that she takes what she wants. including by controlling my body. and that is a very literal horror story, to the point that I may have just given myself nightmares.

Okay! I think that's about all the panel discussion, or discussion directly related to it.

additional SPOILER thoughts

I was going to do a really thorough dive into my many, many ebook bookmarks, but I must sleep. So here's just three things I already had prepared.

First: you start looking up one chapter title, you end up with a zillion links. My suggestions for your consideration:

  1. Ashes, Ashes: we all fall down.

  2. The Platypus: Oliver Herford?

  3. A Faster Cable: impossible to search; suggestions?

  4. To Make Much of Time: Robert Herrick.

  5. As a Wife Has a Cow: Gertrude Stein.

  6. The Word: was God.

  7. Khristos Voskrese: as the text says, "Christ is risen."

  8. A Man Who Had Fallen Among Thieves: E.E. Cummings.

  9. All the King's Horses: couldn't put Humpty together again.

  10. My Man Sunday: impossible to search; suggestions?

  11. A Property of Easiness: Hamlet, act 5, scene 1, lines 67-68.

  12. Immediate Touch: as quoted at the start of the section, Paradise Lost.

  13. Icarus: too close to the sun, etc.

  14. Tea and Sympathy: the Classical movie?

  15. Phaeton: as Wikipedia puts it: "See also: ... Icarus; Lucifer"

  16. Very Like a Whale: Hamlet, act 3, scene 2, line 382; possibly also Ogden Nash, though that would feel more appropriate for a later chapter to me?

  17. Fallen Like Lightning: Luke 10:18?

  18. You Must Remember This: Casablanca, of course.

  19. Orpheus: now you see why explaining the reference in the prior panel would have been impossible.

  20. Penelope: faithfully waiting, or not, for a spouse who came home twenty-odd years later. (edited because I got this totally backwards at first)

  21. Sorrow's Springs: Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Second: as I said on Bluesky, the contrast between Maya and Ishmael's last reported words is just brutal.

Ishmael:

"Queequeg," said I, "come along, you shall be my lawyer, executor, and legatee."

Maya:

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t think so.”

Both the last things they said to the loves of their lives, but one is wholehearted affirmance that he means everything, and the other is equivocation and denial.

Third: a text to a friend after I finished rereading:

The Fortunate Fall shitpost:
one of the things it foresaw, in addition to going viral, McGulags, and the death of print,
is the meme about the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Two post-panel things:

Afterward, the person who recommended the book to the Wizards vs. Lesbians podcast came up and said hi, so that was very cool.

And I took a selfie of my white whale earrings, which I forgot to mention on the panel.

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